“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*