I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
You Might Also Like
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A huge thanks to the person that did this
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.