A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.