Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
nature’s most graceful animal