When you’re here for the treats.
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink