WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.