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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.