How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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I love it all
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep