Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.