Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day