I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
NASA has no chill
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*