“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When you let grandma cat sit
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The Onion called it…again.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*