“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.