[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
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started wrapping my pills in cheese
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”