going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
(Gaming support cat.)
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.