I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.