Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth