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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
the Monday after daylight savings
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Breaking news:
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”