I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.