Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
what’s the point then??
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Pretty much. 🤣
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.