Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.