Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.