[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
You Might Also Like
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.