[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
You Might Also Like
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken