People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
running feels great unless you compare it to not running