This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school