Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese