the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!