History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence