When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice