Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
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Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Best table by far
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Namaste
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”