Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
yeet
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit