My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST