its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
so weird how every mom was born today
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.