Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.