“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Meanwhile in Canada…
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
accurate
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.