It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
channeling her this year
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.