According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.