[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
You Might Also Like
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???