I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?