When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”