USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
(Jupiter –
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Hot Hot Hot
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.