Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
A woman drives into a bar.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Same post same
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.