I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.