Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
These 3D printers are insane!
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
We like the way Dwight thinks
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.