(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.