My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Alexa: *deep breath*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
this is what they would have looked like, though
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”