Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The prophecy is fulfilled
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me