Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”