I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I gave up going to work for lent.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
And now we wait
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.